The Last Book

In my post on January 19th (“Maintaining a Balance”) I shared that I was going to take a few days off from blogging in order to re-read the books I published last year… Well, that same day my Dad went into the hospital, and later that week he had double bypass heart surgery which he did not recover from, and he died on January 25th.

During the week that my Dad was in the hospital, I had already finished re-reading my book, Reaching for Orange: Practices, Visualizations, & Blessings to Help You Happy Up Your Life, so I was re-reading my book, The Tejaswini Ramayana: The Way of Rama in the Shakahara StarFire Universes.

The week prior to that, I had written the following in my journal: “It appears that once again I have failed, because my books haven’t sold and the blog hasn’t gotten a big following… It appears as failure on the outside, but on the inside it feels like success because I really LOVE both books so much, and I really LOVE the blog so much! ~ When I re-read the two books and the 270+ blog posts, I feel so pleased and so proud of my work… My work isn’t successful externally/financially for many possible reasons: my health issues; my inability to effectively promote (“Realizing (Again) That I Am Not a Salesperson!”); karma; destiny; fate; astrology; and/or I am too fringe and/or too spiritual for this worldly realm… “It’s Whatever.” ~ My work is very successful and satisfying internally! Om Namah Shivaya, Jai Sri Rama!”

So, while my Dad was in the hospital, I once again really loved reading The Tejaswini Ramayana, and I visualized many people being elevated by watching it as a major film like Avatar

Then my Dad died… and the day after he died, my Mom told me that he had taken my book, The Tejaswini Ramayana: The Way of Rama in the Shakahara StarFire Universes, with him to the hospital… So, he and I were both reading The Tejaswini Ramayana during the last week of his life, but neither one of us knew that the other was reading the same book at the same time!

It was actually my Dad’s third time to read The Tejaswini Ramayana, because first he proofread the original copy prior to publication, then secondly he read the published book in order to write a review… Well, after he spent many hours writing a review on Amazon, it wouldn’t save and he lost all that he had written… And then the months of busy living flew by…

So, my Mom said that in December he was planning to read it for the third time in order to surprise me with a written review for Christmas… But he didn’t get around to doing it, so he was planning to write the surprise review for my 50th Birthday, which was on January 29th… So that’s why he had taken the book with him to the hospital on January 19th… And he finished reading the book that week, but he didn’t have time to start writing the review…

So! After a lifetime of being an avid reader and researcher, the last book my Dad read on this Earth was my book, The Tejaswini Ramayana. I am so stunned by that, and tears are blurring my eyes as I type this post…

As he read the book, he told my Mom, “She is a good writer,” and he made comments about what was happening in the fantastical story, such as “The blue beings are coming!” My Mom said he really enjoyed reading it, and I can tell the truth of that by reading his marked-up copy…

Last week I really loved reading his copy and seeing what he had underlined. I especially appreciated seeing all the comments and smiley faces and other doodles he had made in the margins! What a blessing, what a gift, for me to have his copy of my book!

The Tejaswini Ramayana is based on the ancient epic story from India, which I had been studying for nearly fifteen years… My version is quite fantastical, and my Dad was more of a realist, so a lot of his written comments questioned my “fantasy-based philosophy”… While reading his marked-up copy I enjoyed talking to my Dad and explaining my cosmic beliefs to him! It was the only spiritual connection I have felt with him in these long three weeks since he died… I am so very grateful for that little spark of magic during this difficult time.

I am pretty sure that Reaching for Orange is the last book I will publish… I am not sure what the future holds for me, but for now I still feel that my purpose is to be a happy spiritual helper shining the light through writing blog posts…

Thank you so much for reading this post.

May you be blessed in every way, every day.

I love you all,
StarFire Teja

 

Letting Go of Trying to Be the Best

Dear readers, are you trying to be the best at something? If so, are you succeeding?

What motivates us humans to try to be the best at things?

In my life story, as a young stay-at-home mama, I wanted to be the best mom ever. Looking ahead, I had a vision for our two sons’ adolescent years, in which our house would be the hub where all their friends would want to hang out and eat all the great food I would prepare for them…

Well, that plan seriously did not work out, because my former husband and I divorced when the boys were 3 and 6, and as we began the two-house reality, I quickly discovered that my highly sensitive nervous system could not handle a lot of crazy kid energies in a small cottage. And then I changed to a plant-based diet, so our sons preferred the food at papa’s house. My goal of being the best mom crumbled as I struggled to just be a “good enough” mom.

Then, when our sons were in high school, I went to hypnotherapy school and I decided that I wanted to try to be the best hypnotherapist in the world so that my sons would be proud of how successful their mama was in her career…

Well, that plan seriously did not work out either, because the debilitating symptoms of Fibromyalgia kept me from being able to work as much as I would have needed to in order to succeed. And also I moved to a really big city and I could not handle the noise and traffic. My dream to be the best hypnotherapist fell apart, and I came home to live with my parents as a boomeranger, which isn’t exactly a status for the sons to be proud of!

Somewhere along that trajectory, I realized that my sons love me anyway, just for who I am, and so I don’t have to be the best anything for them.

But for myself… I still want to be somebody and to do something.

Can you relate to my story?

 

Photo of Mama Teja and her younger son Gabe, by the Ohio River in Newburgh, Indiana, during his visit last week! 🙂

 

Share Your Strengths Not Your Weaknesses

Once I opened a tea bag and the quote on the little tag read, “Share your strengths, not your weaknesses.” (Yogi Bhajan) I’m not sure I totally agree with that advice. It seems like many people need to share both. Do you share both? If so, how do you find a balance with sharing your strengths and your weaknesses?

It does seem important to share some of our weaknesses, in the interests of authenticity and transparency, but I have noticed, like on Facebook, that people seem to only want and tolerate a tiny portion of the real grit, and the rest of the time they want positivity.

Recently I experienced that reaction myself. A friend had told me about this guy on YouTube who gives tarot card readings for the astrological signs. Being an Aquarius, I watched some of his videos for that sign. He was very funny and uplifting (although at times he was a bit too crude for my sensibilities), and he seemed very successful. I felt really inspired by him… Until, in one of the videos he shared the truth of his situation. He is 36 years old and is living in a room at his Dad’s house, and even though he has 32,000 subscribers on his channel, he had not given a tarot card reading (and thus had received zero income), for a few weeks.

Well, I certainly understood, as a boomeranger myself, and I left him an encouraging message in the comments section… But, even though I understood, I still found myself feeling disappointed. I realized that I had assumed that he was quite wealthy and successful since he had so many subscribers, and that gave me hope that someday, with a bigger following, maybe I would also be successful financially. (I am still holding out hope! I am not the kind of nun that takes a poverty vow… I am taking the prosperity vow!)

So, even though I think it is important for people to share honestly, in that situation I found myself only wanting to hear a success story! Can you relate to my reaction?